Douglas Spencer (dougs) wrote,
Douglas Spencer
dougs

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Barbecue poem published for Ang.

Following a special request from ang_grrr, I'm posting my poem "Gloria's Barbecue".
It's all because Ang wants to grill Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. The full conversation is here.

Filk? Don't be stupid, of course it's a filk. The original was a Basque carol. Unusually, not a Christmas carol but an Annunciation carol.
I don't have the original Basque text to hand, but the English translation reads as follows:

Gabriel's Message

The Angel Gabriel from heaven came,
His wings as drifted snow, his eyes as flame.
"All Hail" said he, "thou lowly maiden Mary,
Most highly favoured lady,
Gloria!"


Gloria's Barbecue, DougS, October 2000

The Marquis and the Girl to Dolcett came,
For Dolcett had the pit, the coals, the flame.
Their aim: to help the Girl fulfil her destiny,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

For Dolcett heard the Marquis make a boast:
The Girl, he knew, was eager to be roast.
So Dolcett had prepared a special recipe,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

They asked the Girl if this was what she sought,
She claimed it occupied her every thought.
She had a roast-obsessive personality,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

At aged sixteen a girl's too young to snuff:
By thirty years of age she's getting tough.
The Girl was at the perfect age of twenty-three,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

The Marquis went to check the coals were lit,
While Dolcett showed the Girl the roasting spit,
And when she saw its size, her eyes lit up with glee,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

The instrument that made her innards squeal,
The thickness of her wrist in stainless steel.
Two metres and a half in length, or eight foot three,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

She shed her shades, her shirt, her shoes, her shorts.
Her lithe physique betrayed her love of sports.
A tasty girl, a fit and healthy girl was she,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

She shaved her head and then she shaved elsewhere,
For no one likes the smell of burning hair.
Her eyebrows and her pubic hair had ceased to be,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

An enema she then prepared and used,
So diner's nostrils wouldn't be abused.
"No man", she said, "will wrinkle up his nose at me!"
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

She soaped and scrubbed her skin from scalp to sole,
To place a pristine pelt upon the pole,
Effacing every trace of base impurity,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

Now meanwhile, in the kitchen, Dolcett made
A tasty oriental marinade,
With spices ground and herbs infused with melted ghee,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

This special sauce was heated nice and warm,
And coated on the Girl's impatient form.
The sweetest-scented body paint in history,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

They oiled the fearsome sharpened metal pole,
And buttered up her virgin anal hole.
She knelt with knees apart and folded breast to knee,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

The boys picked up the spit and placed the tip.
"I hope", she said, "My sphincter doesn't rip.
It wouldn't be a very pretty injury."
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

The boys gave her a chance to stay their hand:
"If you want us to stop, we'll understand."
"Just push it through me now!" came back her urgent plea,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

The spit commenced its inward, onward slide.
Remorselessly it shouldered flesh aside.
Endorphins help the meat to sweet and tender be,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

She felt her ring dilate to greet the shaft,
A feeling so intense she nearly laughed.
Her muscles thus relaxed involuntarily,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

The point then pierced her colon, liver too,
And tore her stomach lining, travelled through.
The path it took was subsequently much more free,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

She felt the metal rising in her neck,
And lifted back her head to clear the deck.
She licked the pole, to taste the gore she could not see,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

The spit, when it emerged between her lips,
had given her the most intense of trips.
"At last," she thought, "The boys have really spitted me!"
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

The boys secured their victim's hands and feet,
And took her out to place upon the heat.
They kept her turning, basted, cooking evenly,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

As browned the flesh of breast, of flank and thigh,
"The perfect choice", she thought, "of how to die.
I'd rather roast than choke while hanging from a tree."
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

The coals poured out their tribute, cooked her well,
The boys delighted in the savoured smell.
The guests arrived, and smelt, and hurried to agree,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

The final thing she saw before she died
Astounded her: in death her eyes were wide.
The guests were all her friends and all her family,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

Now girls, if you would die like Gloria,
And roast in barbecue euphoria,
Then Dolcett and the Marquis are the folk to see,
Most highly flavoured lady,
Gloria.

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