Douglas Spencer (dougs) wrote,
Douglas Spencer

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The situation

Thank you for the assorted advice in the most recent posts from scarlatti and me.
Both she and I (and Greg) are at a loss as to how to proceed, and any further insight is welcome.

It's already fairly widely known that there's all sorts of hangups lurking in the darker corners of my mind. I don't have much insight into the mechanism for my current block -- and therefore I don't have much insight into how it can be fixed.

What is clear is the following: I love her, she loves me. Both of us honestly believe that the way things should turn out is for us to end up together. We know that this is how it should be. But knowing it is not sufficient. One of those nasty little switches inside my head is telling me that it's not right. And it's immensely distressing, for both of us. For all three of us, in fact. If I can fix it, then scarlatti and I can go off and be happy together, and Greg can adjust in real life to the situation he's already accepted in anticipation. And if I can't fix it, then I'll go home and be miserable, and scarlatti will stay here and be miserable, and I don't know what she and Greg will do, because their relationship is already broken.

I can't do this. And I can't not do this. And I'm learning more and more keenly what the expression "tearing me apart" really means.

I don't recommend this state of mind to anyone.

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