Douglas Spencer (dougs) wrote,
Douglas Spencer
dougs

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Further thoughts on that party

The party writeup I did this morning wasn't terribly comprehensive, was it. I didn't talk too much about what it was like. It's complicated, I'll try and explain here.

Background: scarlatti is about 3,600 miles away, and the only sensible contact we have at the moment is over Chat.
For a combination of reasons, we've had either no Chat at all (eg Friday, Saturday, the first couple of days of next week) or Chat sessions that have gone spectacularly badly (eg Thursday, or the first little while tonight).
So I'm feeling really very short of scarlatti at the moment.
Also, I'm trying to be honest with myself, honest about myself with others -- and when I don't succeed, it's a disappointment.

At the party: I went to daemongirl's birthday party, hosted by whotheheckami and the_mendicant, with lots of their friends in attendance. It's an environment where hugs are in liberal supply and many of the people there had at least one other person there who they love and who loves them back.
I went carrying hugs for various people from scarlatti, and intended to deliver a few myself. But I was aware throughout that the person I really wanted to hug was the wrong side of the Atlantic. As a result, I wasn't investing those hugs with the enthusiasm that they deserved. That's not fair to the other people there. That's not fair to myself, or to scarlatti on whose behalf I was hugging people too. It's not a fair reflection on the way I feel about these people, nor (I hope) of the way they feel about me. More importantly, it's not a fair participation in the way in which this particular crowd express their feelings for each other, and I think I cheated them.
Hugging is difficult. More accurately, it's difficult in these circumstances. I did my best.

But most importantly of all, I was hiding what I was feeling inside, which isn't fair on my determination to be honest with, and about, myself -- and when I don't succeed, it's a disappointment, as I said above.

Please don't be mistaken -- it was a good party, I enjoyed it, I would come again in a moment.
But next time, I want the chance to bring scarlatti with me.

It was a good party. But this post is not a description of what it was, it's a description of what it was like.
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