June 22nd, 2003

Dark

Not a rant, but a description of one.

If you ever say something seemingly small and inconsequential to me, and are shocked when I break out into a huge, seemingly disproportionate rant, this will have happened for one of two reasons.

Either you've hit some hot topic in my personal history, and I'm ranting because I'm temporarily blind to my sense of proportion.

Or what you said really isn't small and inconsequential, and my rant really isn't disproportionate.

Just occasionally, it's both. Then you'll see just what a real rant is like. It happened today.

Apologies. Not for the message, but for the delivery. It really is nothing I can help, you understand.
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    scared scared
Dark

Not a rant, part two -- the back-story (TMI)

This is a difficult thing to write. I rather suspect it'll be a difficult thing to read, too. But -- as I've said both in chat and in a comment to the preceding post -- it's necessary that I write it.

It's not, however, necessary for you to read it. You have the choice.

A number of people are following this journal for the developing story of scarlatti and me. They talk about it being sappy. They say things in comments like "Ahhh, sweet". This post may be a shock. This post isn't sappy. This post isn't sweet.
A number of people are following this journal because I'm open and honest about my sexuality, about my kinks. I'm going to be saying more of that inside the cut. It'll be more open and honest than some people will want. But if people learn from it, it'll be worthwhile.
A number of people are following this journal because they're my friends. I'll apologise in advance for this post.

All three groups of readers, please remember that I'm writing this with myself as the intended audience. You can read it because I'm introspecting without masks.

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Elsewhere I've said that living without masks isn't difficult, that I'm doing it because it's easier than trying to maintain a separate persona for each group of friends. I'm reconsidering that statement. It's hard. It's very hard indeed. This post has taken me about four or five hours so far, with many false starts, and it's not right yet. But if I wait until it's right, I'll never post it. Here it is. What I have written will stay written.
  • Current Mood
    uncomfortable uncomfortable