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Waaa. - Songs of innocence and of experience [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Douglas Spencer

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Waaa. [Oct. 23rd, 2006|11:28 pm]
Douglas Spencer
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I've just spent a couple of hours sat here crying, because I don't have a Susan.

This is because earlier I walked past the Stepson's door, and his radio was sending me Coldplay: "and the tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you can't replace, when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?" There were some better lines after that, but by then it was too late.

People are going to comment and say "you should have called", and I know that and I appreciate it, but I'm not really in the market for conversation at the moment. Sometimes I am, and you'll get your phone calls, but tonight it wasn't what I needed.

Last time I heard this song was not long after the day of Susan's funeral, the same day I received my US visa, and on that occasion the line that triggered me was "when you get what you want but not what you need".

It's a good song. But I think I'll forever associate it with the events of last June, and only ever in a negative way. This is not a good thing.

Waaa.
LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: peaceful_fox
2006-10-23 10:42 pm (UTC)
All I can say is that I am sorry. I can offer you (((HUGS)))) and tell you that you were so lucky for loving her in the time you did, as she was so wonderful. You are a kind, fantastic person and she is in my memories and always will be. (((((HUGS again))))
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[User Picture]From: mhw
2006-10-23 10:59 pm (UTC)
Loving and strengthening thoughts coming your way, sweet guy.
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[User Picture]From: lizblackdog
2006-10-23 11:32 pm (UTC)
*love*

yes, I have a few songs like that.

it doesn't exactly get less painful over time, I find, but the pain eventually finds its proper place in the context of the love and the joy, and it becomes possible to be joyful again. May that come soon for you.
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[User Picture]From: hawkida
2006-10-23 11:37 pm (UTC)
I've just spent a couple of hours sat here crying, because I don't have a Susan.

Sometimes that's all you can do, and we do it for a reason. I hope you don't have to cry too often. She'd have seen the irony in the lyrics and she'd be glad to be remembered, but she wouldn't want you hurting so much.

I'm sorry she's gone, she was a good friend.
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[User Picture]From: julesjones
2006-10-24 12:11 am (UTC)
[hug]

Sometimes a phone call isn't what will help -- but the virtual hugs are waiting here for you if you need them in the middle of the night.
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[User Picture]From: lostcarpark
2006-10-24 12:15 am (UTC)
Sometimes you just have to let the tears out.
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[User Picture]From: seph_hazard
2006-10-24 02:29 am (UTC)
Oh, darling. Not going to try and say anything, but wanted to say something. That makes sense, right?

[all the hugs ever]
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[User Picture]From: georgiamagnolia
2006-10-24 02:37 am (UTC)
aw sweetie, sometimes you just need to feel what you're feeling.

*thinking good things for you*
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[User Picture]From: wouldyoueva
2006-10-24 03:03 am (UTC)
Hey, I've been there. Still visit *there* from time to time. (Always something there to remind me.) Wish I was there to give you a hug.
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[User Picture]From: sparktastic
2006-10-24 03:23 am (UTC)
*squish*

Music--it's wonderful because it holds so much emotion in a few minutes of time, but it can be awful for exactly the same reason.

If you want a cheery song at some point, I'm sure I've got one or two I can send your way.

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From: (Anonymous)
2006-10-24 03:44 am (UTC)

Remembering

We were speaking of you today. My husband and I were remembering the trip to London we took with Susan, her last; as we hiked the trail. We were so happy she made that trip.
The memorial benches have been ordered, and we hope they will in place by Thanksgiving, or before her birthday. Sam will be here for Thanksgiving, and we hope to be able to send pictures of the sites.
I am sorry you hurt, but happy you remember her. The last thing I said to her before she died was that you loved her. A tear came down her cheek and I bloted it with my finger.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. Thank you for bringing her so much joy.
Nancy
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[User Picture]From: mhw
2006-10-24 09:43 am (UTC)

Re: Remembering

And thank you for saying this too, Nancy. You and your family are wonderful people, and you gave us one of the best friends we could have wished for. We won't forget her, or you.
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From: ex_metamorph847
2006-10-24 05:34 am (UTC)
*heart*
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[User Picture]From: alexmc
2006-10-24 06:49 am (UTC)
> I've just spent a couple of hours

sometimes that is the best thing to do.

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[User Picture]From: slovobooks
2006-10-24 07:10 am (UTC)
You are still in our thoughts.
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[User Picture]From: watervole
2006-10-24 07:13 am (UTC)
I cried for Rosalie last week when something triggered a memory of her. I thought I was past the crying stage, but apparantly not totally. But at least I had Richard there to hug me.

We all miss Susan, but you miss her most of all.
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[User Picture]From: frandowdsofa
2006-10-24 07:50 am (UTC)
hugs waaah and other supportive mutterings
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From: ex_the_major316
2006-10-24 06:41 pm (UTC)
Huggles, and a whole bunch of tissues.
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[User Picture]From: mashfanficchick
2006-10-24 08:49 pm (UTC)
*hugs and supportiveness, in any form you need*
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[User Picture]From: trav28
2006-10-24 08:50 pm (UTC)
I see where you're coming from - how a song, book or even a film can bring the memories flooding back. My thoughts are with you right now.
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[User Picture]From: pinkdormouse
2006-10-24 09:16 pm (UTC)
HUGS
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[User Picture]From: purple_peril
2006-10-24 10:36 pm (UTC)
*protracted hug with rocking to and fro*
Coldplay. Yup. Don't go there.
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[User Picture]From: dougs
2006-10-24 10:41 pm (UTC)
*joins in hug*
*rocks*

There are others that set me off in connection with Anne, but this one seems to have latched on to Susan. Argh.
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[User Picture]From: purple_peril
2006-10-24 10:53 pm (UTC)
And now *I'm* crying, thinking about Coldplay in relation to the FFBE. It's been four and a half years, FFS.
Bugger.
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[User Picture]From: dougs
2006-10-24 11:04 pm (UTC)
More hugs.

We'll have to organise a club for broken people, with a list of songs that don't ever get played.
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[User Picture]From: mashfanficchick
2006-10-25 12:59 pm (UTC)
I like this idea. Of course, if you let too many people in, you'll never get to play anything. *has a few songs of her own in this vein*
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[User Picture]From: sammy3ox
2006-11-19 08:14 am (UTC)

Me too...

Sorry for the late reply, but I just saw your post. I don't get here too much, but now that I read your post, my eyes are getting filled with tears as well. So much around me reminds me of Susan. As it seems with you, there are days when the pain comes back in full force unexpectedly.

I will be visiting my mother (Nancy) in Port Angeles for the Thanksgiving holiday next week. The memorial benches should be in place by the time I get there. I hear the locations have a beautiful view and are in peaceful locations. It will be a somber time, but I look forward to visiting them and having some time to sit and remember Susan.

I will take some pictures and post them in my journal. Look for them in a couple weeks when I get back. I am so touched that so many of you contributed to the fund for Susan’s memorial benches. It really means a lot to me!

Thanksgiving in the US is traditionally a family holiday as it was for our family. Our family spread out over the states during the college years and after (me the furthest in California), but we always got together for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Sometimes I would pick up Susan in Washington, DC to drive her back to Winchester, Virginia (our home town). Funny story: There was once we were driving back and I got pulled over on the street right beside the White House, of all places, for having an expired registration sticker on the license plate. Susan and I were in the car with 4 police cars surrounding us for such a frivolous offence (and this was pre-9/11). After a full background check they finally let us go with a citation. After my bitterness wore off, it made for a good conversation over Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of the family.
…I ramble, but the point of my discourse on Thanksgiving is that late November is not only Thanksgiving, but is also Susan’s birthday which my family would always celebrate while we were together. The Thanksgiving holiday will always be a reminder of Susan’s birthday for me. It will be good to see family over Thanksgiving, but this year it will be without Susan. She would have been 40 years old this year and her birthday will be remembered with great sadness. My thoughts will be with Susan, my family, Douglas, and the community of many people, whose lives’ Susan touched.

The Thanksgiving holiday is traditionally a time to give thanks and appreciate what you have received in life. This year my thanks will be given for the outstanding sister I had and the special moments we shared.

Best regards and wishes for a warm Thanksgiving to everyone who knew Susan.
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