Douglas Spencer (dougs) wrote,
Douglas Spencer
dougs

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Falling apart: from the inside, looking in

This post is "public", but if either of my Clients are reading this, I'm sure they're capable of suitable levels of discretion.

Falling apart: from the inside, looking in where no masks can hide me.

The new year's resolution is to discard the mask, to be myself.

I fell apart last night, what with having no masks keeping me together.

It was a culmination of several things.
Flu or its close equivalent during the tail-end of last week had left me very tired, and with a sleep cycle in place that had fallen apart, and had by then very little to do with whether it was night or day.
Columbia fell apart in the skies above North America on Saturday, and the question of the future of our species in space remains open.
On Sunday morning I talked at great length with Duncan's widow, Duncan who died last time I had flu. We talked about coping, about it getting easier, about the fact that I still have my moments and she will too. We decided that falling apart is okay.
In the mid-afternoon I'm talking elsewhere about how powerful a sub can be in a D/s relationship, and I mention in passing that I'm not subbing at the moment. Perhaps I was biting my lip while I was typing, I don't remember.

So all this is knocking around in my subconscious when this happens. One line in a piece of fiction I'm reading tips me over the edge. I said at the time "I feel stupid now". I didn't feel stupid for falling apart, I felt stupid for having been taken by surprise. As the comments almost said, it could have been predicted.

And then this morning I get in the car to go to work, and Avril Lavigne is on.
"And I wanna believe you when you tell me that it will be okay.
Yes, I try to believe you. But I don't. Not today."

and I'm full of tears all over again.
"It's always been up to you.
It's turning around: it's up to me."

I miss Anne. There's a big Anne-shaped gap in my life. And once again, I'm fooled by my inability to predict my reactions.
"I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a different day"


Let's hope so. I had to put my mask back on before I walked into the office.

Oh, and apparently I am Polyhymnia, the Muse of Sacred Hymns, Eloquence, Geometry, and Meditation. That seems to fit quite well.
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