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What we did last night - Songs of innocence and of experience — LiveJournal [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Douglas Spencer

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What we did last night [Dec. 24th, 2010|11:55 am]
Douglas Spencer

'Twas the night before the night before Christmas: Throughout where I dwell
Not a thing seemed abnormal apart from the smell.
Presents were wrapped (for the most part, at least)
In the hope that our relatives hadn't deceased,
When in from the kitchen arose such a splash
I climbed from the sofa to view the stramash,
And what did my horrified eyesight befuddle?
The kitchen invaded by dank smelly puddle.
A glance at the washing machine's drainage duct
Told me in a moment the plumbing was not functioning correctly.
Now wading, now mopping, now kneeling and swearing,
On buckets, on sponges, on damp bits of flooring.
From foot of the cupboard to door to the hall,
Now mop away! mop away! mop away all!
I took off the pipes leading down to the drain
And peered down the barrel -- the problem was plain:
The passage -- so narrow! The blockage how smelly!
The odour made stuff want to rise from my belly!
I took a coathanger, went on to expunge
The evil primeval unspeakable scunge.
The pipes, freshly rodded, refitted, connected,
We saw that our blockage was fully corrected.
I hope that your drains won't fill up with such shite:
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Note that this incident, in Bracknell, was just one day after the Sheffield washing machine finally died, which it's been going to do for about six years.

Anonymous comment spam:
2011-01-28 14:57 (from

[User Picture]From: deborah_c
2010-12-24 12:06 pm (UTC)
I think they're in league! Mine is currently being an electronic sulking machine instead of an appliance, and refusing to turn on any lights (except power) or to notice any of its controls (or the frustrated kick in whatever the washing machine equivalent of shins is).

Since the last couple of weeks have been absolute havoc at work, I have a small mountain of laundry, and nothing to wear. Bah, humbug...
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[User Picture]From: miznarrator
2010-12-24 12:07 pm (UTC)
Your poesy never fails to make me laugh. I did a dramatic recitation for Laura, who is chopping carrots for dinner. She was similarly impressed.

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[User Picture]From: alexmc
2010-12-24 12:07 pm (UTC)
You know, I've heard of Art Therapy, and Drama Therapy for coping with bad experiences, but never "Poetry Therapy"
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[User Picture]From: veronica_milvus
2010-12-24 12:08 pm (UTC)
eeeewwwww! But well done for tackling the horror at source!
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[User Picture]From: sarah_mum
2010-12-24 01:09 pm (UTC)
I LOL'ed so much at "not functioning correctly" that Alex asked what I was reading. I love this line "The evil primeval unspeakable scunge"

Merry Christmas to you x
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From: emmzzi
2010-12-24 01:35 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: jimtrash
2010-12-24 05:19 pm (UTC)
Much applause.
I've just read it out loud to Christmas gathering here and it was very well received indeed.
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[User Picture]From: frandowdsofa
2010-12-24 05:22 pm (UTC)
Excellent, but YUCK.
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[User Picture]From: ingaborg
2010-12-24 06:42 pm (UTC)
What a great poem to make of such a horrible experience! May I copy it into my songbook (a handwritten notebook of songs and poems that I like)? Obviously if you give permission for me to do this, I will credit it to you.
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[User Picture]From: dougs
2010-12-24 07:37 pm (UTC)
I'd be delighted. Credit also to the original author (as outside the cut) might be appropriate.

Edited at 2010-12-24 07:39 pm (UTC)
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